Hello, Pot  Meet Kettle
by Ster J
Summary: Spock and McCoy are brought up on fraternization charges.  Written for Spiced Peaches, so it's SLASH.


Title: Hello, Pot. Meet Kettle

Author: Ster Julie

Codes: K, S/Mc; written for Spiced Peaces XXVI

Rating: PG-13

Part 1 of 1

Summary: Spock and McCoy are brought up on fraternization charges.

A/N: A bit of research brought me this:

_U.S. Navy Regulation, Chapter 11, General Regulations; Article 1165__(applies to both Navy and Marine Corps)_

_Prohibits personal relationships between officers and enlisted personnel that are unduly familiar and do not respect the differences in grade or rank. Such relationships are prejudicial to good order and discipline and violate service tradition. Conduct is prejudicial to good order and discipline if it calls into question the senior's objectivity, results in actual or an appearance of preferential treatment, undermines the senior's authority and compromises the chain of command. __This regulation is a punitive article; consequently, it is a General Order and violation of it is punishable under Article 92, UCMJ._

AND

_**Two Step Test: **__In relationships between officers or between enlisted personnel fraternization requires an unduly familiar relationship and it must be prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting (there is no presumption that it is prejudicial or service discrediting)._

_Examples of relationships that may be prejudicial to good order and discipline include: Dating, shared living accommodations, sexual relations, commercial solicitations, private business partnerships, gambling and borrowing money._

—ooOoo—

You wanted to see us, Jim?

Come in, gentlemen. Computer, begin recording.

_Recording, dear._

Spock, I thought you fixed that! Never mind. That's not why I called you here. I, Captain James T. Kirk, commanding USS _Enterprise_, have called this disciplinary hearing against Commander Spock and Lieutenant Commander Leonard McCoy. Gentlemen, evidence has been brought to my attention that the two of you have been fraternizing.

With _Spock?_

What kind of evidence, Captain?

A crewman heard you two in one of the Bio Labs conversing about and performing, uh, _intimate_ acts, with each other. Said crewman made a recording and brought it to me.

Me? With _Spock?_

Not only was said recording obtained illegally, Captain, the listener came to a fallacious conclusion.

Spock, there is no mistaking what this person heard.

I wish to hear this "evidence."

Very well. Computer, play tape S/Mc #1.

"_I brought the oil, Spock. Is this enough?"_

"_It will suffice."_

"_Would you look at the size of that thing! __Are you sure it will fit inside?"_

"_That is why I had you bring oil. __Please lubricate it before you insert it. __I will prepare the opening."_

"_Wouldn't want any tears, eh, Spock?"_

"_Precisely. __A tear would spoil the whole experience."_

"_Ungh. __This is a tight fit, Spock."_

"_You will have to insert two more."_

"_Two more? __Where?"_

"_Slow and steady, Leonard, and more lubrication."_

"_It's hard not to just shove it all in, Spock."_

"_Steady! __No tearing!"_

"_I'll do my best. __Okay, I'm ready for the second one."_

"_I will try to accommodate you."_

Computer, stop playback. Well, gentlemen, I believe you have heard enough. I know _I_ have.

Jim, are you _blushing?_

Non-fraternization policies have been in existence for centuries, gentlemen, and for good cause.

Hello, Pot. Meet Kettle.

What was that you said, Doctor?

Uh, nothing, Captain. Please continue.

Discipline must be maintained. The chain of command must be respected and not compromised. Do I make myself clear?

Permission to speak, Captain?

Permission granted, Commander.

Sir, have you heard the complete recording?

Yes I have. The remainder of the recording contains a lot of grunting and moaning before it ends abruptly.

I see. Captain, I submit that, if our eavesdropping accuser had stayed to the very end, he would have realized that what Doctor McCoy and I were merely doing together was cooking.

Cooking?

Yes, Captain. _Cooking._

Cooking what?

A vegetable dish. _Rehkuh sash svi'masutra fori._ It consists of three vegetables roasted inside a hollowed out sea vegetable. Alone each vegetable is unpalatable, but when prepared this way, the flavors merge and the resulting dish is…

It's delicious, Jim.

But all this about a "tight fit" and "tearing"…?

If the _masutra fori_ bursts during the preparation, the effect is lost.

So you two were only cooking together.

Yes, Captain.

And had your accuser stayed longer he wouldn't have come to the same conclusion?

Unknown, but likely, Captain.

Computer, end recording. Erase proceedings.

_Computed, dear._

You have to admit, gentlemen, that it was an honest mistake. I mean, just listen to how suggestive it sounds!

We cannot, Captain, as you erased it.

Jim, I can't believe that you thought that this hobgoblin and me did the dirty … I need a drink.

I will see that the good doctor does not drink himself into oblivion, Captain. If you will excuse us.

Dismissed.

Wow, Spock, that was _close!_

Yes, my Leonard. In the future, we will have to restrict our _rendezvous_to our quarters or to shore leave.

Got another _vegetable_ you need me to _lubricate_, Spock?

Only if you brought the oil, _Lenkam._ I believe it is _my _turn to do the inserting.

-END-


End file.
